Stephens off to the doctor, hopefully shoulder he scraped bad on Sunday isnt infected but I have a bad feeling it is :( My bestest friend brought over Thomas stuff for Mr. H ~ oh he is gonna flip out :) This time in a good way instead of the meltdown from trains he had the other day, lol.

Off to bed soon... maybe

Dont feel like sleeping tonight ~ just one of those evening that I'd rather just sit up all night and watch the "boob tube". Very tired so know that its still a fat chance in happening, lol. I'll pass out in the final minute of a show I struggled for an hour to stay awake for!! grrr I hate it when that happens :)

This morning was a rough day ~ Hunter was so happy and full of life and I was SO happy to see it but sadly he was more in his own little world, wouldnt engage or respond to me for the better part of 2.5 hours, I wanted him to hug me or join me but no such luck ~ when he did look at me it was more of just a look with no real expression. That was all made better when suddenly he came up to me mid afternoon and gave me a big hug :) Nothing more precious then that!!

Thankfully Daddy came down and all was perfect again :) Hunter got his internal switch turned on by daddy and the rest of the day was wonderful :) :)

Some exciting things happened, he actually climbed up onto the couch for the first time the night before!! Wahoo!! Now the "fun" begins, lol. He tried today but no such luck but at least he tried and that makes me proud :) His therapist team came over today too to review his progress, discuss goals etc etc. I just love them all :) They are so intune with Hunter :) He really enjoys seeing them. They are so good in helping me to adjust to his inconsistancies and to see where I can take something that is a positive trigger for him and make it work :) Looking forward to seeing how he progresses from here, he has already done some amazing things. While he still has some underlying issues and concerns they are things we can def work with in helping him achieve SO much :) I just love my little choochoo man :)

He had a wonderful time outside this evening, bouncing and jumping on the trampoline!! He loves it SO much!! I'll loose weight just walking around the trampoline over and over to keep him from falling off, lol.

Lots to update on my other two as well ~ will do that tomorrow :)

Jamie was on my mind alot today :( I cant believe only a bit over two years ago all was fine and she was healthy... I need to get my life back in order and organized but it is a daily struggle to do that. I just GOTTA do it ~ so much to do that has sat long enough. So wish each day was 48 hours long, lol :) Life is just not the same but it is life and I gotta live it as best I can ~ afterall, it is what she would want. (((hugs all)))

Just one of those moments when we dont see it coming...

Hunter has this monkey puppet ~ he LOVES it!!!! He ALWAYS comes running when he hears it and it has always been useful when we want to get his attention. Esp when we cant get him to look ~ well life with an ASD child just goes to show you that never assume anything ~ we used it today to get Hunters attention and not only did he not respond or run towards it he never even flinched in response to hearing it. There was also no reason he would have not heard it. Hubby did it for quite a while too to give him time to process it. Which was SO loud and clear :( This is one example of how Hunter can respond so well at times and then other times you see nothing :(

Can cold be helpful?

Interesting ASD observation ~ have Hunter in a diaper only in a cold house (way to cold me to) and suddenly he is rev'd up and doing wonderfully :) Mental note ~ Maybe "cold" is positive stimuli for him :) Have a few more things that make this more interesting... to be continued ~ off to put Hunter to bed :)

Heading to Jamie's house today ~ Going to have a nice cook out/BBQ with Brittney, Carissa and Mike. Stephen always reminds me that it isnt Aunt Jamie's house anymore... I beg to differ. She may be in heaven but it will always be her home. Even if she isnt there with us, she will def be felt sharing the moments with us.

Went to visit my dear friends Amy and Tonya last weekend, missed them so much! With Jamie sick it had been a long time since I went back to visit my old neighborhood ((hugs all neighbors)). Those that know me know the appearance of a cardinal is a sign that my mom is nearby.... long story..... How amazing it was to have Daniel run inside to share that not only did he see a cardinal land in the tree of our old house (it is a VERY special tree to me) but there were TWO!! When I shared this special moment with Dan he kindly shared that now mom and Jamie will watch over us :)

I will be thinking of her today, esp being in her home with her girls. I miss her so very much.. although it gets a bit more believeable every day the pain is no less. Still to early, I'm just not ready... this just sucks ~ she should be here with me today grilling it up ((hugs big sis, boy do I miss you!!))

Hunters unique way of spinning ~

Was talking to a friend the other day about how some ASD kids spin and she asked if Hunter does. I replied yes with a chuckle. He is funny in when he chooses to spin. There are two ways he does it. One is if he is walking from point A to point B he will walk and take a spin on the way. Doesn't do all the time but, like many things he does, enough to take notice as something he can be found doing. His spinning however is most seen when I vacuum. Can only recall one time of the many cleaning days that he didn't spin ~ one time I vacuumed and he was in his high chair so instead of spinning his body he spun his hands in a circle round and round :) I have two videos of him doing this, one was today the other was taken a few months ago ~

Mr. H loves to swing :)

Hunter is a huge fan of his swing :) When he was an infant he loved to be in it and even as a crawling toddler he still loved to crawl into his portable swing to swing himself, lol.

Took him out today, he enjoys the trampoline, the swing, the slide, just being outdoors. I asked Stephen to run and get the camera for me while he was swinging, I just couldnt get him to look at me for a few minutes. This is the footage I got... this is one of those moments when he just wouldnt look at me :( and when he finally did there was no expression, no smile no laughter like I often get.... When friends ask me how he does I can honestly say is he is doing great and really showing progress but sometimes that just isnt the case and I just never know what or how he will respond... This is an example of what I still also get often. He wasnt tired and had been well rested from his nap so no real reason for him to be ignoring me. And there was nothing else going on in the yard that kept his attention. And it wasnt long after this that he was suddenly his bubbly self again :)

Its these times that I truly cherish the other moments in which I get a huge smile or a big hug or get to listen to his sweet little voice saying momma momma momma :)

Dont get me wrong, I am doing ok.. I do feel very blessed to have my little man, one thing I've learned with all the trials and tribulations of my family and our losses is that there is always someone out there who has it worse. Hunter is very mild IMO and we still dont even know if the dx will remain come December but for now it is what it is ~ he has his many good moments and I enjoy every second of them but he also has his not so good moments and being able to capture this to share def helps.

..

My day with Hunter...

Something tells me that what I am seeing more often today is related to his ASD and not just toddlerhood. Today is my day to just "watch" Hunter. Got alot of videos that show interesting things he's doing. Some wonderful and clearly great accomplishments like moving through the TV tray tables and going over to Kyle to march with her and others... well... hummmm I think they are examples of what I think others refer to as stimming. Although I dont see these every day and all day I am seeing them as a pattern and more often. Hunter is a sensory seeker, he seeks out ways to boost his senses. To rev himself up, to feel good. Of course most kids when not chill-axing and sleeping are into things, bouncing off walls.. exploring their world LOUDLY, lol. So some of course is totally normal for his age.

What I am seeing with him today however is more of a pattern of things he is doing so makes me wonder if this is more stimming behavior. Part of me says to myself it doesnt matter what it is, he is happy at the present time so who cares what the root of it is but on the other hand I want to understand my son. Want to understand why he does these things, understand what "drives" him. Understand his ASD so I can determine what is normal kids stuff and what isnt. Understand so that I can use those things to his advantage to help him.

Most of the morning he has been playing with his "whoo whoo's" (Wants to watch Thomas the train) SO cute to hear him say it!! His eye contact has varied, some moments really great and other times not so great. Literally 50/50 today. What I have also noticed though is a new pattern of behavior. He is either doing nothing and "out to lunch" or it seems he needs to be constantly "moving" in one way or another. I've read about kids who flap etc. But have also read that each child is different. Hunter doesnt flap but he does seem to need to be doing some kind of movement today. Like lots of body movements. In the past few hours I have watched him consistantly do these over and over. Not non-stop but enough to def take notice. He will march, then jump then sway back and forth left to right, then shake his head yes, then shake it no. Sometimes obvious other times a very small twitch up and down. Have seen it while he is walking around too so not just while standing still. But it isnt for a "yes or no" reply or for any real purpose like music playing or mimicing something.... he just does it. If he is on the floor he is on all fours bouncing, or when standing often tries to jump or march while walking. Again not constantly but enough to take notice...

I was able to get a little bit a video on it, course you know Murphys Law, soon as I turn camera on he stops so it is just bits but know that he had been doing it much longer then the video shows. Hunters eye contact with me has been pretty good today, cant say I recall him looking at me this much yesterday. But like usual it is most often on his terms. Responding to my calling him is maybe 50%. Sometimes no response at all. Other times he so easily does it :) Still seeing the blank stares, they come and go and typically last from just a few seconds to 10-15.

My daycare girl Kyle is here today he did interact with her a bit more today but he is still mostly a bystander or doesnt even notice she is here, not really playing WITH her at all. He is interested in what she has not her specifically. I watched them play with the same toy for about 15 mins, she looked at him several times and was babbling up a storm, he on the other hand made a few quiet sounds and looked at her only one time for a split second near the end of the play. I've learned from my amazing therapists that this is an example of what it may look like when the ASD child allows for play but does not engage in play because there is little or no eye contact.

As I sit here she is banging on the musical xylophone and he is laying on the floor with his back to her pushing his trains back and forth. In general if she makes a new noise that most kids IMO would take note of he sometimes notices, sometimes not at all. today is seems that if he joins her in something she is doing he doesnt look at her the majority of the time and mimicing her is minimal. While he has been seen doing both he is more apt to mimic body movements more then verbal. Like if she is dancing or marching I did catch him try it to for a second.

As I write this paragraph he has had 2 blank stares..... Lasting about 5-8 secs.

Are his funny moves today from ASD and just seeking input in a peculiar kind of way or perhaps just his way of Dancing? Lol..





Watch his head in the below video, you can see the head twitch he does before he goes over to the TV with Kyle a few times for no apparent reason. Around seconds 44 and 52 of the video. I do see him doing this randomly around the house but hadnt noticed it til now that he did this on and off alot today.

WE OWE OUR MOTHER 8-)

Got this from my sis Missy, toooo funny!!!

01. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

02. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

03. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

04. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

05. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

06. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

07. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

08. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

09. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
Parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Mothers Day

Was definately a very bitter sweet day for me ~ While I feel SO blessed to not only be a mother to 3 amazing boys, I am also reminded of what is missing in my life. My own mother and my sweet big sis who is an amazing mother herself. I miss them terribly ~ My heart to my neices who just had their first mothers day without their mom :( They shouldnt be experiencing this so young in life..... Grief has many stages and right now I am in the anger stage... just not fair!

We took a trip over to Hafners to buy some flowers for Dans mom and something for my mom and sis. The boys wanted to get something for me as well.... how ironic that we'd fine a beautiful framed wall art that said

"Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow, Live Today..."

Since I dont believe in coincidence it surely was a "god"incidence. (this is VERY close to the saying that was used at the funeral home for Jamie)

Spent sometime with my mom and also got Jamie a nice card, I know she will read it *wink :) and a neat butterfly hellium balloon, (bet she is inhaling that as I speak and talking funny for my mom who is rolling her eyes at her, lolol.)

Dan sent me a nice text in the morning as well ~ for those that know Dan you know that he'd be on the chopping block for American Idol when it comes to singing, Simon would have a field day with him!! My only request for moms day was that he not sing to me, lol, well.... he did! He got a nice video of himself signing Happy Mothers Day to me!! Lolol. I'll get some footage of it and post it hehehe :) Hes such a sweetie :)

Back to life...back to reality...

we all know the song... today my full time daycare girl returned, she had been gone since January. I had taken some time off so I could spend it with Jamie, sadly things are now back to how they once were long before the nasty cancer revealed its evil face. Life is here again but never ever will it be the same...

(((hugs all)))

Hunters 18 months check..

The sun is shinning, hope that is a good sign :) Although I hear that it will be cold again :( Hunter had his 18 months check, he lost a few lbs but I'm not surpirsed since he is eating less and on the go more. He grew too so that is good. He isnt self feeding as well. It is in spurts, I have video of those times he has done great so hope to get video of when he doesnt. Murphys Law, lol, I never have the camera on when they happens, lol. Doc read the developmental report and agrees with it. Says Hunter will do fine in life, just have a few quirks about him here and there. I find that to be pretty true since you never really know what to expect from him, one minute you'd never know he is ASD and other times it is so obvious. We talked about his inability to lift to drink from a bottle, or sippy. He feels it is a motor skill issue. But it is a motor planning issue and motor skill? Hard to say. With the other issues he has I'm more opt to feel it is a bit of both since it would require him to multitask which he struggles with and that would be motor planning. His vacab is really expanding! It is exciting to hear somany new sounds from him, but like everything else some moments he says alot and other times very very little. And he is very very limited in any type of conversation. Can he say momma for example, yup and he will reference me if he sees me but he has yet to call out to me to look for me or get my attention. Engaging is hard for him. He has shown some amazing progress so hopefully in time his communication skills will to be so much better.

The other day was funny, he was lining things up all over the place. I got a few photos :) Last night he sorted out the pretzals from this snack mix he loves and he lined those up too, lol.







Also got one decent video of him eating some eggs. He eats sometimes watching TV and other times at the table with us. This time he was fully engaged in the TV. We tried to get him to use his fork but no interest, he just held it. He didnt even look down to see his food he was grabbing, lol.

Hunter ~ Hypo versus Hyper

It seems to me as I learn more about Hunter and meet others etc with ASD online etc that most kids with autism are hypersensitive. I could be wrong but that is just how it feels at the present time... Noisy environments, hairbrushing, clothing, touch... is often difficult for these kids.

My sweet boy however in on the other hand more hyposensitive. Not with everything but with many things. He loves new environments (just dont get to close to him unless he comes to you), Loves loud noises, the vaccuum cleaner, music, airplanes, and of course he could care less about his clothing and how it fits. It can be totally crooked and he doesnt care. When we go to new places his eye contact is outstanding, when daddy gets home the eye contact is wonderful but with me it is much differnt because he sees me most of the time. Or when you are around him alot it fades away some. I get a much different response from him then those who rarely see him. I understand this and it makes sense but it can be very frustrating when others look at him and think of the "typical autistic child" who is hyper and assume becuase he isnt like them he therefor must be fine.

Some things he is hyper, we discovered he doesnt like grass or sticks. He will sometimes get upset when touching it or touch it for a very limited time soon getting upset by it. He gets dizzy very fast and easily which is hyper too. So odd how he is a bit of both. But I know and understand very little about this still... in time maybe I will know more.

Funny thing though yesterday he was TOTALLY hypo with one thing. He was bouncing on the trampoline, he LOVES to bounce on it, he had alot of static electricity and discovered that if he went to touch the springs it shocked him... well he kept doing it!! He liked it, lol.

Would really love to hear from parents who have a child with ASD who is more hypo ~ since that is what Hunter seems to favor more (((hugs to my choocha man)))

Mornin' :)

Sun is shining, hopfully thats a good sign ~ Stephen has his first soccer scrimage today :) I love watching him play soccer, he is SO good at it!! Big field this year so lets see how his endurance holds up :)

Hunter had his 18 months check yesterday, he grew thankfully, we were worired since he hadnt grown the recent apmnt. He did however loose weight and doc was concerned so we'll see how his next apmnt goes. I think it is 'cause he is on the go more and not self feeding as well so we'll see sometimes. Sometimes he eats great, other times he picks and doesnt finish even though he is hungry. Screamed when doc examined him and it was difficult to calm him but the rest of the time he did great :) Doc said his nephew has ASD, said when he read the report it reminded hm of his nephew. We reviewed the ASD report and he was in agreement with the developmental doc :) Love this doc, he is the best!!

Yesterday was two weeks since my sis went to heaven. My heart still hurts so much ~ I just cant believe it. With my mom the pain hurt as much but I was able to "believe" it. With Jamie I am having a really hard time believing this is real. Only 7 months ago she was fine and healthy, or so we thought :( I miss her so much.......

My best friend Renee invited me to go to Bunko with her last night, was very nice to meet all the ladies she plays with. Many are moms at our elementary school so I did recognize them. I had a great time but I had trouble not thinking about my sis. When I played Bunko last Jamie was with me as it was her bunko group I played with. :( Sadly the evening was cut short though when Daniel called me having "heart Pain". He was crying on the phone so I went home. He was on kid duty and he did great :) I guess Stephen was goofing off (I'm sure there are two sides to this story, lol) and Daniel was yelling at him and the chest pain started after. I felt so bad but there is one thing good that may come of it ~ maybe he will now realize how we feel when we have to yell at him and it causes us pain, and grey hair!! ((())) Dan is fishing at the marina for the weekend so when I got home Daniel and I just hung out a bit and watched some tv :) Super Nanny, one of our fav shows! :) All in all it was nice to get out ~ having trouble being social lately with groups of people but I know its good for me ~ loosing my mom was so painful and I miss her terribly but this loss is so much different and painful just the same... so hard to explain ~ I guess maybe cause I never expected to be loosing my sis when I was almost 42 and she 48. That shouldnt be happening for at least 20-30 plus more years. Sigh...

Written in November 2001 ~ my thoughts on when we pass and cross over to heaven

There's a song a drummin' in my heart and soul today. It beats the sounds of another time and day. The waves do strike on distant shores, and brings a song of many scores. We feel the breeze on face and hands as rythum vibrates through the sands. The time has passed a vacant speed, slowly illuminating in the times of need. The halo glows as dawn does break, the tide reflects the glowing wake. It's warmth is felt at depths unclear, my inner soul rises near. My wings are spread a seagulls span. I soar above this reborn man. God is the rock that protects the land from waters wrath upon the sand. The tide does wash the footprints gone, the soul is safe as man seems gone. Into the breeze wings do soar, forever more, forever more...........